Beautiful Disaster
by xXxThe Phantom's RosexXx
Summary: "And if I try to save him, my whole world could cave in." Eli returns to school after crashing his car. Can he and Clare start over, or is whatever was between them destroyed forever? Lots of banter, a double date, and plenty of drama ensue!
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note: I originally wrote this on my other FF account. But didn't like where it was going, so I deleted it off that account and am revamping it on this account. This is the account I love most and use anyway. And also, I am so excited to take this story in a different direction than before. It'll be fun! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! I do not own Degrassi! Quote from "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. **

_He's soft to the touch  
__But frayed at the end he breaks  
__He's never enough  
__And still he's more than I can take  
__And if I could hold on  
__Through the tears and the laughter  
__Would it be beautiful?  
__Or just a beautiful disaster_

CHAPTER ONE

Clare had been tense all morning. She'd woken up to a text from Adam, informing that Eli would be back in school that day. She hadn't seen him since the hospital, and that was the last time they'd spoken. She had no idea where to even begin with him. She knew everything was different now. They could never go back to the way things used to be. Eli had manipulated her, hurt her, in ways she never even imagined he was capable. And she wasn't sure she could ever forgive him for that. He had terrified her that night. What he had done was cruel. She could still hear the sounds of the car crashing. She could still hear herself screaming his name, not knowing what had happened, if he was alive or not. He had made a choice. He had made a choice to put her through that. He had called her. He had put the phone on the dash. And he had crashed his car with her on the other line. And for what reason other than to punish her for wanting out?

Since getting Adam's text, Clare had felt nausea wave over her. She couldn't even hold down breakfast. Instead, she settled for a few handfuls of dry cereal, just to put something down on her stomach. All she had been able to think about was everything that had led up to that car crash. Adam had told her that Eli was dealing with some personal stuff. He'd said he wasn't well, and that if he wanted to share with her what all was going on, he would in his own time. But Clare didn't care. All she knew was that Eli was insane and that he had dragged her into his insanity.

So many things pointed in one direction Eli was crazy. He had tried to poison Fitz. He was always so high he could be so thrilled and excited and jumpy about something, and then the next moment so low, dark and brooding. Clare just couldn't do it anymore. His insanity was driving her to the brink of madness as well. She had needed to to get out. The first decision she made for herself, and he punished her for it by almost killing himself. Now he'd be back in school, and she'd be forced to see him. Maybe even interact with him. And she had no idea how to even do that anymore.

Things used to be so easy for them. They could talk without any inhibitions. But that was before. And this was now. And now, Eli Goldsworthy was a complete stranger.

Clare finished getting ready for school. Her mom drove her, asking her if she was okay. Clare nodded, unable to open her mouth to answer. Her mom was not one of Eli's biggest fans. She even told Clare that she never wanted her around him again. How could Clare possibly open up to her? She grabbed her school bag from the backseat and headed into the front entrance of Degrassi.

She felt herself even more terrified. She found herself glancing around the hallway, looking for him and hoping that she wouldn't see him. Why was he even allowed to return to Degrassi after everything? Why was he not in a room with padded walls? Trade that leather jacket for one of the straight variety. Clare bit her lower lip as she made her way towards her locker. She had English first thing in the morning. English with Eli. Maybe she could request a schedule transfer? Maybe she could request a restraining order.

Clare grabbed her English book from her locker and slowly made her way to English. She felt herself concentrate extra hard on each step she took. One foot in front of the other. She reached for the knob of the classroom door. Mentally, she tried to prepare herself. All she could see was him in the hospital reaching out for her, begging for her, and her walking away. But she had needed to. It wasn't cruel. She had needed to put herself first for once. Eli was insane. She couldn't be a part of that.

Upon opening the door, Clare saw that the classroom was mostly still empty. She was early as usual. And Eli was no where to be seen. She took her assigned seat, dreading the moment when Eli would sit down in front of her. She slowly took her book and notebook from her backpack and arranged them neatly on her desk. Each time the door opened, Clare's head whipped up. But each time, it wasn't Eli. Maybe he had found some sense and had transferred to another school. But she knew that wasn't true. Adam had texted her. He was going to be here. It was just a matter of time.

Students began to fill into their assigned seats. Clare picked at a cuticle and waited. She ran a thousand scenarios through her head. She mentally thought out different dialogues what she would say, how she would say it. But she knew once she saw him, all clever words would leave her. As Mrs. Dawes stood at the front to call the class to order, the door opened. Clare slowly looked up, along with most of the class. First was the sound of the door opening. Then was the sound of the cane clacking against the linoleum. He had a cane? Clare felt her heart pound violently against her chest. She wanted to know if he was okay. Surely not if he had a cane! Eli handed Mrs. Dawes a note. She glanced over it as Adam came up behind him, carrying his backpack for him.

Mrs. Dawes handed the note back and said, "Glad to have you back with us, Eli. Please take your usual seat."

Clare felt her chest tighten. Eli stared straight ahead at the wall behind her - looking right past her. She didn't even exist. He gripped the cane so tightly that his knuckles were a ghostly white. Clare felt her stomach clench. He couldn't even look at her. He took his seat in front of her. Adam sat the backpack next to Eli, then took his seat next to Clare. Adam shot a shy smile. Clare couldn't force it, so she just waved. Eli's hand went to his shoulder and he massaged it. How much pain was he in? Clare wanted to reach out and touch him... No! Why did he have this power over her? He was insane. She needed to stay away from him for her own good. Oh, but she desperately didn't want that. She wanted to ask him how he was, to reach out to him...oh God. His insanity really was catching.

Mrs. Dawes cleared her throat and said, "Alright, everyone. Today I want you to meet with your English partners and go over our new assignment. This assignment will be due in two weeks, but do not put it off until the last minute. This is not an assignment that can be done over night. Keep that in mind."

"I hear a challenge," Adam said under his breath.

Clare and Eli both made a sound that wasn't quite a laugh, just more like an acknowledgement that what he'd said was funny. Clare bit her lower lip, wishing that things could just be how they once were. She knew that wasn't possible though. Nothing could ever be the same again.

Mrs. Dawes continued, "This assignment is to take a popular work of literature and explore what it would be like if set in modern time. This assignment will have several parts," Mrs. Dawes began to pass out packets. Eli handed back Clare's without even turning around. "The first part is to recreate the characters. Write a list of the characters from your work of literature. You can rename them. State their traits in the original work, and what some of their modern traits would be. Explore what would be different about the characters, and what would be the same. Next, the scenery. Write where the story would take place what would be the same and what would be different. And next, the plot. Write what would be the same and what would be different if the story was set in modern times. And lastly, rewrite a scene from the work of literature of your choice, setting it in modern times with the modern characters. Now then, meet with your partners and pick which work of literature you'd like to do."

Clare shot a worried look towards Adam who just shrugged. He pushed his chair back and went over to meet with his English partner, Jordan. Clare pulled out a highlighter and began highlighting important information in the packet which turned out to be guidelines and a rubric.

"So..." she cleared her throat, "are we going to work on this or not?" She saw Eli visibly stiffen before turning his chair around so that he was facing her desk.

"What choice do we have in the matter?" He asked, his voice was completely flat. It terrified Clare how void of any emotion it was. He didn't even sound like Eli anymore. He was totally a stranger to her now. She hadn't expected for him to be so different for even his voice to not be the same.

"What work of literature should we do?" Clare asked, not taking her eyes off the grading rubric. She couldn't look him in the eyes. She was trying to stay away from him. Not be totally pulled back in. And if she looked into those eyes, she knew she'd drown into them. Eli just shrugged. Clare was growing frustrated. They needed to work together on this. She couldn't let her grade be compromised. She thought it over a bit, running different works of literature through her head before saying, "How about...The Great Gatsby? We could portray it like modern high school. Old family money against new family money. Wild parties. Sex. Portray the carelessness and the selfishness? What do you think?"

"Sounds good," Eli rested his elbow on the back of his chair, cradling his chin in his palm. Clare's eyes wandered to the cane propped against his desk. "We should work on this as much as we can in class and during school hours. I think that'd be easiest than trying to meet up," she said, and the words sounded awkward and messy as she spoke.

"Sure," Eli shrugged again.

Clare couldn't take it anymore. Finally she broke down and asked, "How are you, Eli?"

Eli chuckled, but it was void of all emotion again. Soulless. Like there was nothing even there anymore, "I don't know. You tell me."

Clare's eyes dipped back down to the grading rubric. She slowly tapped her pen against the paper, unable to even speak or look at him. She had no idea who this person was sitting in front of her. But whoever he was, he was hollow and it broke her heart to think such a thing.


	2. Chapter 2

**Author's Note: I originally wrote this on my other FF account. But didn't like where it was going, so I deleted it off that account and am revamping it on this account. This is the account I love most and use anyway. And also, I am so excited to take this story in a different direction than before. It'll be fun! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! I do not own Degrassi! Quote from "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. **

_He's soft to the touch  
__But frayed at the end he breaks  
__He's never enough  
__And still he's more than I can take  
__And if I could hold on  
__Through the tears and the laughter  
__Would it be beautiful?  
__Or just a beautiful disaster_

CHAPTER TWO

The rest of English was awkward and tense. Eli turned back to his desk and Clare tried to write down some ideas as an outline, but her thoughts only kept wandering to Eli. This was absolute torture. She hated seeing him this way. Actually, there were a lot of things Clare currently hated. She struggled to remember when she had last felt such hatred and anger. It scared her that she felt these things. She hated what Eli had put her through, she hated that he destroyed his prized possession and had put his life at risk, she hated that he seemed completely empty of himself, and she hated him for it all. The bell finally rang, and Clare packed up her things. Adam made his way back over to his desk to grab his backpack.

"Hey," he said to Clare, "I'm helping Eli with his books and things, but sometime we should hang out. Talk. You know."

"Yeah," Clare nodded, "I'd like that."

She knew Eli had a monopoly over Adam. Eli and Adam were so close they were practically brothers. Of course Adam would be there for Eli. And Clare really didn't mind that. What she did mind though was the sinking feeling that because of that, she would lose Adam from her life. They couldn't all three hang out. Everything felt like a huge mess.

Clare swung her backpack over her shoulder and paused at her desk. She had to let Eli get out from his desk first before she walked by. She watched as he gripped the cane and struggled to push himself up. Adam placed a hand under his arm and helped to lift him from the chair. Eli shook slightly as he sought to regain his balance. His knuckles were once again a ghostly white as he gripped the cane too tightly. Adam swung his own backpack over his shoulder, and grabbed Eli's in his hand. Eli straightened himself out after finding his balance.

"I'm making you late," he hissed, clearly frustrated. It took Clare a moment to realize that he was addressing her.

"N -no. It's fine." Clare was going to be late. She still had to run to her locker before History. But Eli was struggling and she couldn't exactly place the blame on him. She watched as he slowly began to walk down the aisle of desks with Adam trailing behind him. When they got to the door, Eli reached for the doorknob, but his right arm shook slightly and he lost his balance a bit.

"Damn it!" Eli slammed the cane against the tile floor, "I hate this thing!"

"It's okay," Adam tried to calm him down, "You only have to use it for another week. That's it. And then you can throw it away or burn it or something."

A hint of a smile crossed Eli's lips, "I like the idea of burning it."

The smile didn't quite reach his eyes, but for a brief moment, Clare thought she saw a fraction of the Eli she once knew. Maybe he was still in there. Buried deep down, but still in there. But those sorts of thoughts were dangerous. She couldn't just sit around and hope that the Eli she loved was still there. She couldn't put herself through all of that again. Clare adjusted her bag on her shoulder as Adam got the door for Eli.

Eli turned suddenly and said to Clare, "At lunch we should probably do some more work on this project. Like you said, get it done while we're here at school. It's just easier that way."

"Okay. Should we meet in the library then?" Clare felt her stomach fill with butterflies. Since when did just speaking to Eli become so nerve racking? Oh, right...since he lost it and crashed his car, almost killing himself, just to punish her. Clare made up her mind that as long as she had to work with Eli for school, she'd just have to get used to the sensation of walking on eggshells.

"Sure." The trio found themselves walking down the hallway in tandem. An on looker would think that everything was normal and fine between them. But the tension made the air between them thick and heavy suffocating.

Adam cleared his throat, unable to stand it much more, and said, "So...what book did you guys pick?"

"The Great Gatsby," Clare answered.

"Are you kidding? I'm jealous! You picked a good one. Jordan and I haven't even come up with something yet. Why do you guys always think up the creative stuff?"

Another hint of a smile played at Eli's lips, "Clare thought of it," he said almost proudly. Clare shyly tucked a strand of hair behind her ear.

"Well, you two are definitely going to ace this project! I just hope Jordan and I can get our stuff together and think up something smart like that too."

"I'm sure you will," Clare paused at her locker, "I'll see you guys later."

"See ya," Adam waved. Eli kept walking.

"That wasn't so bad," Adam nudged Eli gently, "Was it?" Eli tightened his grip on the cane.

Of course it was bad. He had no idea how to even act around her. This was Clare Edwards and he had no idea how to act around her! It used to come so easily for him. He didn't have to think. Now he was constantly anxious of saying the wrong thing. The meds were supposed to help with that. But Clare Edwards gave him a type of anxiety not even medications could suppress.

"Adam," Eli held up a hand, "I don't really want to go down that road."

"What?" Adam asked good naturedly, "You and Clare can't just treat each other like strangers forever, can you?"

"I am a stranger to her," Eli shook his head, "Don't you get it?"

"You are not!" Adam protested, "You and Clare..."

Eli interrupted him, this time his voice was callous and angry, "There is no 'me and Clare' anymore, Adam. And there never will be again. Don't pretend to know or understand. I am a stranger to her. I don't even know who I am anymore, Adam. So how the hell can I expect her to?"


	3. Chapter 3

**Author's Note: I originally wrote this on my other FF account. But didn't like where it was going, so I deleted it off that account and am revamping it on this account. This is the account I love most and use anyway. And also, I am so excited to take this story in a different direction than before. It'll be fun! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! I do not own Degrassi! Quote from "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. **

_He's soft to the touch  
__But frayed at the end he breaks  
__He's never enough  
__And still he's more than I can take  
__And if I could hold on  
__Through the tears and the laughter  
__Would it be beautiful?  
__Or just a beautiful disaster_

CHAPTER THREE

Eli eased himself into a chair at one of the back tables of the library. His stomach was a mess of nerves. He hadn't been alone with Clare since the hospital. And that hadn't gone well to say the least. He just hoped they could get through lunch together without him screwing something up.

Adam sat his backpack down on the empty seat next to him and asked, "Do you want me to stay or..."

Eli thought it over. It would be good for Adam to stay. But Eli knew he would have to face Clare alone eventually. He couldn't just hide from her. Though he wished he could. He wished he could remove himself from her life all together. But Mrs. Dawes seemed to have other plans. Hell, the whole universe seemed to have other plans. There was no hiding. No pretending. Clare Edwards was a part of his life, rather he wanted her to be or not. He'd just have to deal with that.

"No, we'll be fine. The librarian's over there in case I snap and try to murder Clare or something," Eli exaggeratedly raised his eyebrows and Adam rolled his eyes, "Really," Eli said calmly, "We'll be fine. It's just an English assignment."

He knew Adam was uncomfortable whenever he'd make a joke about his disorders. But Eli needed some way to entertain himself. He wished he felt as confident that they'd be fine as he'd sounded trying to convince Adam. Honestly, he felt nauseous at the thought of being alone with Clare. And he desperately wanted to ask Adam to stay.

"Alright," Adam turned to leave, "You're sure, right?"

"Right." Eli lied through his teeth.

Adam shrugged and headed towards the entrance of the library. When he got to the doors, he bumped into Clare, "Hey, Eli's over by the back."

"Thanks. I'll see you later."

Eli pulled a brown paper lunch bag from his backpack as Clare headed over. He felt his stomach go into knots. Just an English assignment...yeah right. He was starting to wonder if maybe he had made a mistake in sending Adam away. At least Adam could have acted like a buffer between the two of them. Now, they were going to be completely alone. And Eli wasn't sure if he was quite ready for that. He hadn't brought up Clare to his psychiatrist yet. As far as she knew, he had crashed his car due to stress. He wasn't sure if he was ready to talk about Clare to any one yet especially his psychiatrist. So he had no coping mechanisms for dealing with her. No one had taught him what to say or how to approach her.

He hated this whole not knowing thing. It used to come so easily for the two of them. They could talk about anything. They were close. Not just in the boyfriend/girlfriend sense. But Eli genuinely thought of Clare as his best and closest friend. Without her, he felt utterly lost. But he knew better than to try to reach out for her. She had made it clear she was not interested in him anymore. And he didn't deserve her interest anyway. Not after what he had put her through.

"Hi," Clare waved a small, shy wave. She sat down next to Eli and pulled out her English notebook.

The knots in Eli's stomach tightened as he felt her energy next to him. Just say something, Eli. Just say 'hey.'

"Hey," Eli picked at the crust on his turkey sandwich.

He couldn't look at her. Not directly at least. He knew better than to let himself get too close to her. He was a danger to himself and to Clare. He couldn't let himself near her. He'd just end up hurting her again. By keeping his distance, he was protecting her. Did she know that? He hoped she knew that. He couldn't allow himself to be close to her or anyone else ever again. Being alone would be his purgatory for that night. He just couldn't risk it. He couldn't risk hurting another person. Especially Clare.

"What are you having for lunch?" Clare asked, desperate to fill in any awkward silences that might arise. Her voice was bubbly, but strained. This wasn't easy for her either, Eli could tell. He hated seeing her like this. He could practically feel how jittery she was around him. It only confirmed what he had tried to make peace with over the last few weeks that he was in fact, a monster. Just answer her, Eli. Come on. Words aren't that difficult.

"Turkey sandwich. You?"

"Soup," Clare pulled a thermos from her lunch bag, "My mom made way too much so she sent the leftovers with me for lunch..." Clare trailed off, realizing that she was rambling.

Eli just nodded and continued to pick at the crust of his sandwich, "So, this English assignment. It's due in two weeks, but I figure it's best to get it done sooner than later, right?"

"Right..."

Eli peered into his lunch bag. Inside was a little zip lock baggie with three little pills. He bit his lower lip. It wasn't such a big deal to take them when he was home. No one but Adam and his parents knew he had to take them. But he was supposed to swallow them with meals and that meant Clare having to see. Crazy people took meds. Insane people took meds. Eli didn't want Clare to think he was even crazier than she already did. But knew she thought what everyone else had thought that he was insane. And maybe he was. He had crashed a car in a desperate attempt to hold on to something he wasn't even sure was his in the first place. That was insane. Eli decided to just bite the bullet. He pulled out the baggie and opened it, shaking the pills into his palm. He noticed Clare staring.

"To keep me from snapping," Eli popped the pills into his mouth and chugged from his water bottle. When he saw that Clare was still staring, a look of absolute horror on her face, Eli chuckled a humourless chuckle. Note to self: can't joke about condition with Edwards like with Adam. Got it. "Chill, Edwards. I'm kidding. I'm not going to snap. They just keep me...level." They keep me numb, Eli mentally corrected. Numb and cold and hallow. But better than the alternative.

Clare loosed up, and nodded, "Oh, okay. Yeah, sure."

"My psychiatrist prescribed them for me," Eli continued, realizing he didn't want to give Clare the impression he was some sort of junkie, "There's one for anxiety, one that's a mood stabilizer, and one that is supposed to help with depression." Or at least that's what he had been told. He wasn't exactly sure what all each pill did. He just knew how they made him feel. They made him feel nothing. Was that how they were supposed to work?

"Do they seem to be helping?" Clare asked, feeling like she was treading on dangerous waters. Eli shrugged, taking another sip of water, "Honestly? I don't feel anything anymore. I guess that's okay...I don't feel anger and paranoia. I just...don't feel anything." No crazy thoughts would run through his head. No racing panic either. Just...nothing. It was a horrible thing to feel nothing; but Eli reminded himself once again, that it was better than the alternative.

"Not even good stuff?" Clare asked.

"There isn't good stuff," Eli took a bite of his sandwich, "We should start on our English assignment."

Clare nodded and dug through her folder to get to the grading rubric, "I tried to write down an outline of characters, plot, and setting. I was thinking that for our modern twist, it could be set in today's time...in high school. Rich families. Rich kids. Unsupervised kids."

"I like it," Eli glanced over her shoulder at what she'd written down so far.

"For Gatsby...I was thinking we could have Jason Gatz. He's the star student at his preparatory academy. And all the girls just love him. His parents are always away on lavish vacations and he pretty much has their huge mansion to himself. So he throws these lavish parties while they are away, hoping he can get the attention of Daisy..." Clare rambled on about the project and Eli nodded, but it was difficult to focus.

All he could really pay attention to was how one strand of hair had fallen in front of her face and how he desperately wanted to brush it away. But he couldn't. Staying away did not mean reaching out and touching her hair. Keeping his distance did not mean physical contact. Clare Edwards shouldn't be touched by a monster. He had been wrong about there not being good stuff. Clare was the good stuff.

"So, what do you think?" Clare asked, turning to him. Her face was glowing like it did whenever inspiration hit her.

Eli nodded, fighting from smiling. "I like it. We should uh...start with the characters first. Then move on to setting. And then work on our scene. Which scene do you want to do?"

"I kind of want to do a play on Daisy running over Mertyle and Jay I mean, Jason taking the blame for it." Clare winced and began apologizing. It was like a faucet of 'I'm sorry's' had been turned on, "Jeez, Eli...I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking. I'm sorry. God. I'm sorry. I don't know what I was thinking...I wasn't thinking! I'm sorry!"

Eli raised an eyebrow, "For what?"

"...we don't have to do this scene," Clare gathered her papers and tapped them on the table to keep them together, "...I can find another scene...or unless there's one you'd rather do..."

"Clare, I didn't run over anyone," Eli reminded her, "We can do this scene. I think it's a good idea."

"Really?"

"Really." Eli glanced up at the clock on the wall opposite of them. It was almost time for lunch to be over. He needed to get to his locker, and suddenly he regretted even more sending Adam away, "Hey...I hate asking you this, but I would like to get to my locker before the hallways get crowded. Could you maybe...uh...help me?" Eli felt three inches tall asking her to help him. He had no place asking Clare for anything. He really should have asked Adam to stay. Adam didn't mind helping him. "Never mind," Eli shook his head, "I can't ask you to do something like that." She owes me absolutely nothing, and here I am asking her to help my crippled ass get to my locker. Eli felt sick.

Clare put her notebook back in her bag, "It's fine. I would be happy to help you. Just tell me what to do."

Did she even know how wonderful she was? Why did he have to go and ruin that? Eli pushed himself out of the chair and Clare helped to gather up his things, "If you could just carry the backpack, that'd be great. Thanks for helping me."

"No problem," Clare grabbed both backpacks and walked next to Eli, checking his balance, as they headed out to the main hallway, "So, Adam said just one more week of this cane and then you can walk without it?"

"We'll see. The physical therapist says I should be walking on my own by next week. I don't know about that though. What I do know is I am ready to be done with this cane. I feel like an old man. And I hate having everyone help me." It sucked being so helpless. He had to rely on everyone for everything. Adam had to carry his things for him. Bulldog had to fucking carry him up the stairs at night. Eli had originally just wanted to camp out on the couch, but Bulldog insisted that what Eli really needed was sleep in his own bed. He felt like a child having to be carried up the stairs. But none of this was punishment enough for what he had done. He deserved so much more than just a cane. He had made it out of that car crash with hardly any damage compared to what he deserved. He deserved to have been killed that night. Everyone's lives would have been so much easier if he had just died. Why didn't I just die?

Eli stopped, leaning against his cane. That thought scared him. Weren't those depression pills supposed to prevent thoughts like that? He hadn't had a thought like that in a long time. A 'death thought' as he called them. He had assumed the pills had worked. Maybe they weren't. Clearly they weren't if he was still having thoughts like that. Eli gripped his cane as he envisioned his head snapping forward, slamming against the steering wheel. If he'd been smart, he'd have unbuckled his seat belt. Eli could almost feel the impact of skull against glass, bone against pavement. But he had worn his seat belt. And he was still alive.

"What's wrong?" Clare asked, backing towards him. She reached out to place a hand on his back, but slowly lowered it as she thought better of it, "Eli?" Her hand lowering away from him almost shattered him.

Why am I feeling this? Eli felt a sense of panic at the immense emotional pain he felt. Before, he had felt nothing. That was before having to face Clare though. Now, all he felt was heartache. Fuck those useless pills! "What?" He pulled himself out of his thoughts, "Sorry. I'm fine."

"You sure?" Clare could tell he wasn't, but what was she supposed to say? She desperately wanted to know what was going on inside that head of his.

Eli nodded, "Yeah. You don't have to worry about me. Let's go," he pushed past her.

This was a mistake. Everything had been a mistake. He should have just undid his fucking seat belt! Eli's thoughts were almost screams inside his head, and he couldn't hear Clare, her voice barely a whisper, ssay, "I'm always going to worry about you."


	4. Chapter 4

**Author's Note: I originally wrote this on my other FF account. But didn't like where it was going, so I deleted it off that account and am revamping it on this account. This is the account I love most and use anyway. And also, I am so excited to take this story in a different direction than before. It'll be fun! Anyway, I hope you enjoy it! I do not own Degrassi! Quote from "Beautiful Disaster" by Kelly Clarkson. **

_He's soft to the touch  
__But frayed at the end he breaks  
__He's never enough  
__And still he's more than I can take  
__And if I could hold on  
__Through the tears and the laughter  
__Would it be beautiful?  
__Or just a beautiful disaster_

CHAPTER FOUR

The next day, Clare was surprised to find that she still felt sick to her stomach. She'd thought Day Two would be at least a little easier than Day One with Eli back. But it wasn't. If anything, it was harder. She got dressed and picked at her breakfast. Her mind wandered to Eli. He'd probably be eating breakfast right now too. And then he'd have to swallow his medicine. Everything was so scheduled for him. It must be driving him crazy. Well, crazier.

Jake drove them to school that morning, and she was grateful it wasn't her mother. She wasn't sure how many more lectures she could stand. Everything with her mother lately had been 'see, this is what happens when you date 'bad boys.'' and 'maybe you'll meet a nice guy at youth group.' Clare had wanted to vomit at that. She couldn't stand the boys at youth group. She always felt like they were judging her. Eli never judged her. If anything, he encouraged her to be more free in herself.

"You okay?" Jake asked.

Clare pulled herself from her thoughts, "Yeah...why?"

"Well, we're at school and you haven't made any effort to get out of the truck."

"Oh."

"Sure you're okay?" Jake asked again, "I mean, I know you're going through a lot right now. If you ever need to talk to someone, I'm here."

"Thanks," Clare knew he was just trying to be helpful. Everyone was always just trying to be helpful. She grabbed her backpack from the backseat and headed into the school.

When she got to English, she pulled out the outlines she'd made for the English project. She'd told herself to just focus on the project. Throw herself full heartedly into the project. It'd at least keep her mind off of other things. So all night, she'd sat up and worked on the project, making outlines and rereading three quarters of The Great Gatsby. She couldn't sleep anyway. A little before class began, Adam and Eli came in. Eli took his seat, and Adam handed him his backpack. This time was different from yesterday though. This time, Eli actually turned around in his chair, facing her.

"Hey," he said, before turning back around. Clare was so surprised by what had just happened, she forgot to say anything in reply. Had that really just happened? Did he actually make an effort to acknowledge her and say hi? Don't do that to yourself, Clare scolded. Don't go and make things out of nothing. Don't get your hopes up. If you don't get your hopes up, no one can crush them. Mrs. Dawes called the class to order and told everyone to get into their groups. Eli turned his chair around, facing her desk.

"Hey," Clare finally said, a shy smile totally betraying any previous pep talks she had given herself about Eli Goldsworthy.

"I did what you said about the outlines," Eli pulled out a stack of papers from his backpack, "I couldn't really sleep last night so I kind of spent all night working on it."

"Same," Clare showed him her stack of papers, "Great minds, right?"

"I guess," they exchanged papers, "Looks like we're going to have a lot to go over."

"Yeah. At least if we can't sleep again tonight, we'll have something to read over," Clare tried her best to quip.

"You know..." Eli drummed his fingers on the back of his chair, "...if you ever can't sleep, I'm usually up on my computer. You could IM me or something. Just to have someone to talk to."

" I'd like that," Clare said, forgetting all caution. She knew she was treading in dangerous waters. But honestly, she'd rather have the danger than nothing at all. Eli being totally absent from her life was absolute misery. Maybe they could at least just talk and maybe find their way back to being something. Rather that was friends, or something more she just wanted to be something.

"Me too. So...do you think Adam and Jordan have even begun their project yet?"

Clare turned to see Adam over by Jordan's desk. He was leaning in close to her and they were both laughing. "From the looks of it, probably not," Clare couldn't help but giggle. Adam had had a thing for Jordan for awhile now.

"I keep telling him to just ask her out already," Eli rolled his eyes, "But of course, he probably won't."

"He should though!" Clare agreed, "Why won't he?"

"He says if he's going to go on a date, he wants to double with someone."

"Oh."

"Yeah."

Clare bit her bottom lip as the cogs turned in her head. It wouldn't exactly be a date per say. They'd just be helping out a friend. That'd be it. Just helping out Adam. And it'd be a good step for his transition to go out on a date. It'd be helping him. There was nothing wrong with helping a friend. Especially Adam.

Clare finally said, "Well you know, it doesn't have to be a date per say." Eli's eyebrows furrowed as he tried to follow where she was going with this. Clare herself didn't really know. "I mean...if anything, it'd be just us helping out Adam."

"You want to double date with Adam and Jordan?" Eli raised an eyebrow. Surely this was not a good idea. He tried to remind himself about keeping his distance from Clare. After all, going on a date together wasn't exactly keeping their distance. But the thought of a date with Clare sounded too good for words. He couldn't help but be interested.

"Well, they'd be the ones on the date. We'd just be there as support for our friend. That way he and Jordan can spend some time together, and if he needs anything we will be right there to help. Don't get that look on your face. It's not a date," Clare emphasized.

"What look?" Eli feigned a look of shock, "I have no idea what you're talking about."

"It's not a date, Eli. Please repeat that. Just so I know that you understand."

"It's not a date," Eli repeated, "Are you sure it's such a good idea though? I mean...with our history and all..."

"Eli," Clare sighed, "we can't just avoid each other. The whole avoidance thing doesn't work out for either one of us. Adam is our friend. We are mutually connected to him. So we need to be there for him. I am not saying I'm ready to really be friends again so don't think that I just...I don't know. Let's just see what happens. But this is not a date. It's not."

"Who are you trying to convince, Edwards?" a smirk tugged at Eli's lips and Clare actually saw Eli Goldsworthy sitting across from her, "Me or you?"

"Oh shut up," Clare leaned back slightly in her chair, cherishing this whatever it was moment. It was almost like old times. Almost. A little voice in the back of Clare's mind kept telling her not to get too carried away. Not to get her hopes up. To not let Eli too close. But this was so natural. It came so easily to them. And Eli he had actually smirked and his eyes had that flicker in them. He wasn't a stranger. This was Eli. The Eli Clare had first fallen for. Maybe the medicine was working. Maybe Eli was better. Maybe he was fixed. And maybe things could go back to the way they once were. That was how it worked, right? Sick people took medicine, and they were better. Maybe there was a chance...

"Alright," Eli leaned forward, resting his chin in his palm, "So, I'll try to get Adam on board for this weekend? Does that work for you?"

"Sure," Clare shrugged. She had suddenly found herself with way too much free time as a matter of fact. To actually have plans would be a nice change of pace, "Should we do dinner and a movie?"

"Sounds good. I'll talk to Adam about it today at lunch? Or did you want to work more on our project?"

"I think what we have right now is good. Let's just each review each other's outlines tonight and we can talk about it more tomorrow. Try, try, try to get Adam on board though. No more of this pining after her and not doing anything about it nonsense."

"I'll see what I can do."

The bell rang, and Clare gathered up the papers Eli had given her, and he did the same with the papers she had given him. Adam came over and said to both of them and said, "I think things are going really well between Jordan and me."

"Oh, you two started on your project?" Clare asked jokingly.

"No," Adam rolled his eyes, "but I really think she likes me. What do you guys think?"

"I think you and I need to have a talk at lunch today about our plans for this weekend," Eli grinned, handing his backpack to Adam who also helped him out of his seat.

"We have plans for this weekend?" Adam turned to Clare, confused. Just yesterday things had been so tense between Clare and Eli. Now the three of them had plans? And it was the two of them that actually made the plans? Adam felt like he was in an alternate universe compared to where he'd been the past few weeks.

"Yup," Eli turned around to Clare and winked, "All four of us."

"I'll catch you guys later," Clare waved. She excused herself from Eli and Adam and hurried to her locker.

Her head was spinning and her heart was racing. What had she just done? Had she really just made a date with Eli? No...it wasn't a date though. It wasn't. It was just the two of them being there to support Adam. Nothing more. Just friends being there for another friend. Nothing more. Nothing romantic.

It was not going to be a date.


End file.
